Falling Ill
This year was almost entirely lost. At the beginning of the year, I made very detailed plans for each month, but almost all of them were disrupted by an abrupt onset of depression. I remember once when I was young, I suddenly fell seriously ill. I had a terrible fever, lying in bed in a haze, as if trapped in the same nightmare over and over, unable to sleep.
Later, my mother said to me, “Illness arrives like a mountain collapsing and leaves like drawing silk.” I didn’t quite understand what that meant at the time, but I have come to a deeper understanding of it over these two years of battling depression. My own state this year has been fluctuating, good at times and bad at others. During the good times, I still had some willpower to do things off the critical path, like going out for walks, learning new things. But most of the time, I could do nothing but eat and work. I didn’t even feel hungry.
From Seeing a Doctor to Giving Up Medication
I went to the hospital, and the doctor prescribed me medication. In fact, the side effects of the medication were quite numerous. During that time, I almost couldn’t sleep all night, only managing to fall asleep after five in the morning, and my whole state was very poor. The doctor diagnosed my condition based on my symptoms and a simple Q&A, although I had mentioned that depression might have some physiological changes and hoped to use methods like EEG or MRI for diagnosis. The doctor said those were still experimental.
The first thing I felt before experiencing the effectiveness of the medication was its side effects. The first three days of medication brought intense nausea. Regardless of whether I ate or not, I felt like vomiting, and during the day, I had strong drowsiness. At work, when the sleepiness hit, it was almost irresistible. I would lay my head down on the desk, losing consciousness, and it would take hours to recover. Then, another side effect was the loss of sexual pleasure.
The reason I gave up on the medication was mainly after experiencing a series of side effects, I felt that the effectiveness of the medication was not ideal. Life was still in unbearable pain, accompanied by various side effects. During this fluctuating process, I also realized that much of my suffering might be due to unmet emotional needs, so I turned to other methods to get better.
Healing
Recently, my condition has slowly started to improve. It’s hard for me to pinpoint exactly why, but I think the most important points are perhaps focusing more on my own emotions, rather than hoping someone else could save me. Doing things I like.
Anxiety
This year, I always felt anxious and worried about various things, paying attention to too much information, which led to some overload in my ability to process information. Many things I wanted to do were delayed because of depression, just as last year’s plans were repeatedly postponed. This year, I decided to start implementing a few schemes to hopefully improve my efficiency.
Writing Weekly Reports
Writing weekly reports is a summary and review of my week, as well as planning for the next week. It’s said, “Don’t overestimate what you can do in a day, but don’t underestimate what you can do in a week.” For my yearly plans, I only have a general idea, but it’s hard to implement them with my current planning ability. So, I chose to set goals and tasks for each week. I also write weekly reports to reflect on the outcomes.
Timing Tasks
I often get distracted during work, usually because I don’t know what to do or forget what I need to do at the moment. A method I tried before, which was quite effective, was to estimate how much time a task would take and then have Siri time me. The advantage of the Apple Watch is also evident here, as I can countdown at any time through the watch. For example, when preparing to write an article, I would set a timer for one hour to remind myself not to do anything else during that hour.
Conclusion (Written by AI)
Looking back on this year, although it was full of challenges and difficulties, it also provided me with valuable experiences and opportunities for self-growth. In the process of combating depression and anxiety, I learned more about the importance of self-care and inner strength. I realized that healing is not always a linear process; it requires time, patience, and a deep understanding of oneself.
By writing weekly reports and timing tasks, I not only improved my efficiency but more importantly, I learned how to better manage my emotions and time. These small changes gradually accumulated into a force that changed my life. I began to understand that anxiety and fear often stem from the unknown and uncertainty, but through small daily steps, I can gradually overcome them.
I am grateful for each challenge this year, as they have shaped me into a tougher and more insightful person. Looking forward, I embrace the new year with these experiences and lessons, full of hope and anticipation.
As time passes, I have come to understand that the meaning of life is not just about achieving goals, but also about learning and growing along the way. I look forward to the journey ahead, whatever it brings, knowing that I am ready to face it.
Commentary
This doesn’t really have much to do with what I wanted to say. The replication of expectations and wording is also quite rough, and it seems that more input is needed. In any case, I’m too lazy to write, so it will have to do. See you in 2024.